


i blame myself (but not anymore)

by necromantrix



Category: The Adventure Zone (Podcast)
Genre: M/M, Minor Character Death, in which sazed comes back and gets fucked up, lying and attempted manipulation, past Sazed/Taako sort of but not really implied
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-12-11
Updated: 2016-12-11
Packaged: 2018-09-07 19:16:11
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,206
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8812924
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/necromantrix/pseuds/necromantrix
Summary: “You were the jealous one. You were the murderer. But I… I still can’t cook anymore. I still get sick whenever I smell garlic. Wanna know what the most fucked up thing is, though? I fucking miss you still. Everything you did and I still miss you. But not anymore.”Taako feels exhilarated. He feels freed. He feels afraid.





	

**Author's Note:**

> Fuck Sazed.
> 
> I guess this counts as a vent fic of sorts.

“Taako?”

It’s a voice Taako swore he’d never hear again, and now that he is it sends a shock through him that causes his entire body to tense. If the slight tightening of Kravitz’ fingers on his waist is any indication, the bounty hunter can feel it.

It’s been a good date in Neverwinter. Exploring together, drinking together, sharing kisses just slightly too deep to be chaste. It’s been a good night with Kravitz and now… and now Taako’s finding it difficult to breathe as the ramifications of hearing _that fucking voice_ again set in. He turns slowly to face the source of the voice, Kravitz’ arm falling from around his waist as he turns as well.

Taako stares for a long moment. He can feel tears pricking at his eyes and he’s still having trouble breathing, but seeing _him_ standing there, looking _so godsdamned innocent_ , clears his mind just enough to keep himself from collapsing from the overflow of emotions. If anything, he feels numb. The hurt and sorrow are there, and so is the anger, but a calm numbness washes over him that surprises him.

“It’s been a while, hasn’t it?” Sazed asks, brazen enough to smile. “Still cooking, or did that all fall apart?” He speaks about it with the insouciant air of a man whose life wasn’t ruined all those years ago, and Taako realizes with a small start that _he doesn’t know I know_.

He doesn’t respond, taking one step towards Sazed. He stops, turning his head just slightly to see that Kravitz is still there, watching and waiting to support him no doubt. He takes a second step, then a third, and then suddenly he’s closing the distance between them with a purposeful stride. His fist collides with a strong jaw—the same place he used to kiss so often—and his hand presses hard against a strong chest as he punches and tackles Sazed at the same time.

The emotional dam breaks with a burst of angry tears as Taako pins Sazed down. “You—you _fucker!_ ” he yells, hitting him again for good measure before he sits back and sobs. He’s straddling Sazed’s stomach, knees digging painfully into ribs, and he presses a hand down on his chest so he can lean over him and stare him in the eyes. “You… you can’t just come back and act like nothing’s changed! You _abandoned_ me for fuck’s sake, and I—I… _fuck_ , I blamed myself for so damn long because of you! I _still_ blame myself even after finding out that it was _you_ that did it! I didn’t kill those people, Sazed, _you did_!” His shoulders shake with his hitching sobs, and he clamps a hand over his mouth.

Sazed can only stare up at him in shock. Kravitz is unsure what to do besides wait and see if Taako needs any support.

A hiccup of a sob passes over Taako’s lips, and everyone—himself included—is surprised to varying degrees to hear that he’s laughing. “That’s the fucked up part though, isn’t it? I _know_ it wasn’t my fault. I—I’ve been over it so many times in my head and I _know_ I didn’t do anything wrong, but… I still blame myself, y’know? That’s what’s so fucked up about it. You…” He drops his hand from his mouth and grabs the collar of Sazed’s shirt in both shaking hands, pulling him up as much as he can. “ _You_ were the jealous one. _You_ were the murderer. But I… I still can’t cook anymore. I still get sick whenever I smell garlic. Wanna know what the _most_ fucked up thing is, though? I fucking _miss you_ still. Everything you did and I still miss you. But not anymore.”

He drops Sazed and stands up on weak legs, stepping over and away from his prone form—lying pathetically on the ground with Taako’s tears on his face and shirt. “Things are different now; you wanna know how? I have _friends._ I—I have family. I have a family and one of them is a brick shithouse and the other has a fucking god on his side, and my boyfriend is _Death,_ for shit’s sake, and all three off them will kick your sorry ass if I ask them to! You got that, Sazed?” He holds a hand out behind him and Kravitz walks towards him, taking Taako’s hand when the elf tears his gaze away from Sazed and meets him halfway. “Let’s go,” Taako says meekly, and Kravitz nods.

He only just gets his scythe summoned when Sazed speaks again, and both turn to watch as Sazed makes his way to his feet. “Running again? Like always, huh?” He lets out a humorless, barking laugh. “Things aren’t different at all, babe. At the end of the day, you’re still running, whether you feel empowered or not.”

There’s a tense moment of silence, and everything feels like it happens at half-speed.

Sazed wipes Taako’s tears and his own blood from his face.

           Kravitz adjusts his grip on his scythe.

           Taako moves towards Kravitz and then suddenly lunges at Sazed, his boyfriend’s scythe in his hands slashing cleanly through Sazed’s body. It doesn’t damage him physically, but it kills him quickly and efficiently nonetheless. His body drops lifeless to the ground, his soul hovering in the spot his body just occupied.

Taako feels exhilarated. He feels freed. He feels afraid.

He feels alone, but that only lasts until Kravitz puts a hand on his shoulder.

“Hey,” he says, and Taako realizes that he’s said it a few times and is trying to pry the scythe out of his white-knuckled grip. Whatever spirit left Sazed’s body is gone already, and Taako’s unsure how long he’s been out of it for. He lets go of the weapon, his hands shaking as he looks down at them.

“I…”

“I know, Taako. I know,” Kravitz soothes, and Taako starts crying again as he wraps his arms tight around him. They hold each other for a long moment, Kravitz pressing gentle kisses to the top of his head and whispering soft words of encouragement as Taako cries into his chest.

“I couldn’t run again,” he chokes out. “I couldn’t fucking… I tried, gods, I tried; I just wanted out, away, whatever.” His fingers dig into Kravitz’ jacket. “I’m sick of running, Krav. I know I’m not the bigger person, but—“

“Taako. Breathe. Please. He’s gone. You’re—you’re free of him forever. All right? Let’s get you home. You can talk later if you need to, but first we need to get you some blankets, maybe a warm bath. Anything you want.”

“Home,” Taako repeats with a little nod, finally allowing himself to feel the weight of the word. He’s still crying as he holds onto Kravitz, sniffling as a rift is torn.

_Home_. It feels okay to admit that he has one now. He’s no longer tied back to an old, dangerous _home_ he knew could come back at any minute. That old home is gone, dust, burned down, written out. It’s gone and it’s never coming back.

But now he has something that might be home; whatever it is, it’s certainly better than the last.


End file.
